| nothing |
[12 Apr 2006|07:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
i call.
right now i hate your fucking voice.
i write about being happy alot,and for once,i want to really feel it,for real.
i never wanted to smell that jacket anymore because i don't want to think about you,i want to smell it on you and not have to think because you will be right next to me.for real.it won't be fake.
you can't even say bye.
and i hate you because you think you can win people over by acting cute.
and only the stupid ones fall for it
but they later get knocked to the side
and i admit i'm stupid sometimes
but i never go away.
i'm not so much to the side(and gone)as i am the side itself,waiting.
youre every bad song i can think of right now
and i like them all
because apparently i guess i have bad taste
you taste so good.
i love how each thought just leads to another.
you never stop running do you?
those pickup lines never got me anywhere.i just always thought it'd be funny to ask it your feet hurted.
i need to shut my mind off and let the quiet put the running back where it belongs.
away.
and godbless the away message.
and goddamn you for never paying attention
ive got too much to say
and you don't lurk enough to notice.
but if everyone lurked as much as i did,i myself would be in a mess.
your a mess
lets be messes together.
baby youre a bitch.
but i love you anyway.
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| nothing |
[07 Apr 2006|04:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
sigur ros |
] |
i never update alot.
my head isn't where it should be.
i need to go to chicago and visit friends/family
maybe that will make me feel a little better
at least thats what i'm hoping for.
i miss you.
i miss playing house and dress-up.
i miss cousins and best friends.
when i get a car i'm going to westville to visit my bestfriend.
it'd sound lesbian if i talked about how us and your little sister had to take baths together.but we were only in 1st grade.and how you talk about boys and practiced kissing.i never did though.sometimes i thought you were too open.haha.but now i know,best friends are like that.remember cathing frogs and putting them on the barbie furnature and playing like dolls?and when we drew that rose on your ankle after watching hariet the spy and you pressed your ankle against mine and we both had a best friends 'tattoo'.
i think about my friends entirely too much.
and i love you all more then you will ever ever know.
i miss you
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| it's been a while |
[10 Mar 2006|04:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The academy is...-slow down |
] |
..since i've posted.
no big deal ay
i want new friends to come adopt me into their group.but i want the old ones to stay with me always,even though you guys are getting sick of me,i can tell.but youre all gold.don't forget.
Do you remember those days at the fair?
well blink cause now its over.
Those parties last summer at my house?
blink.
I love how we used to talk about getting an appartment together when we got out of highskool.
i love how you made the same plans with all of your other friends too.
when you said you'd never leave me(as friends i mean)why didn't you just say you were lying.
this friendship isn't over.i don't end things.but it is dying,and if you cared enough about this friendship you would know,because i sure as hell do.
"take back every little thing you said,you never meant a word of it,you never did"
yeah its kinda like that.
It kills me the way i care about you more than anyone,but you care about me like all of your other friends.isnt best friends something differnt?becuase i know you're all i got.
it kills me the way i care about my friends more then they will ever care about me.
so you decide,if you want to find the antidote to this because it's dying.
And I promise i'll never have another night like those nights last summer.
lovelovelove
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| i'm using too many chances |
[11 Feb 2006|10:07pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 freezing with sunburn |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
fall out boy |
] |
lately i have a fixation on anything from pete wentz's mind.cliche? i don't even care,take some time to actually read anything by him,you have no room to argue with me now.
there's nothing wrong with being a little mainstream.you still got my heart.
i've got the feeling of nosebleeds back latley.and it feels so nice.i'm taking a guess and thinking it's because of the constant me being sick plus friends picking up bacteria off of school desks and kisses.can you picture something so warm sliding down and over your lips.it's so deep with color,it's hard for me to ever imagine that it was blue at one point.i'm more broke then an old faucet,it drips blood every semi-second for 20 minuites.don't hold the tissue to it,make a mess.and i can never stop smiling.
i'm always the hang out kid.but lately
i'm the boring stay at home kid.something's tieing me down and not wanting to go out anywhere.i just want to stay at home and read and watch Peter Pan.and make peanut butter and jelly samwiches.if i can't get out,i'm gettin down.and
apparently my idea of gettin down is watching peter pan and eating PB&J.i'm
never gonna leave the house.unless you pick me up and let me put my feet on
the dash.then i'm all yours baby.
when a girl writes,it sounds cheesy and less than.i want to forget that.you
know sometimes we mean the same things.
you're the virus on my computer,the pop-ups on a good website,the name on the searchbar for google.and i'm not really trying to stop it.it seems a little
stalker-ish but its 2006,isn't that a little sexy this year?boys gotta love stalkers.
wanna start the stockholm syndrome up,baby?
i said i could get you extasy in a heart shaped box.
-your favorite open wound
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| let me |
[29 Jan 2006|01:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
An Angle-self medicate |
] |
sarah voxxx: uhm well....i like opened one in paint..then opened another window((paint)) withthe other pic i wanted with it..then i opened a 3rd window of paint and like went to the pics i wanted together and hit selesct all then copy and pasted them both into the blank paint
sarah voxxx: but i had to like try and get them the same size like heighth wise
^^i posted that so i dont forget.
_________________________________________________________________
California don't mean a thing to me baby.
I know you wanna bring me with you to your future,but how can you bring me in your future when my future isnt you.Best friends can only go so far,and love will find me in chicago,my future is somewhere in the midwest.I want you to understand that California might not make me happy like it makes your future seem.Your face would never understand,i dont wanna bring you down,not now,not yet.I dont wanna bring you down like my best friend did to me.None of you think i can make it on my own.
I'm afraid to sleep now because i want control over my thoughts.I dont care how close i can be with you,i'm not closing my eyes.But pretty soon i'll sell my mind over to someone,or something.Sleep,yourself,drugs..but i dont wanna think like that.This light is too loud.
When you IM me,i have the most confidence ever.
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[16 Jan 2006|08:01pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 jealous |
] |
so maybe my words don't always come out the way i want them to,but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't listen.Being as young as i am,you'd think i am stupid and belegerant,but my thoughts are gold.and i'm saying what i say for myself and anyone who's bored enough to read. but most of the time i don't even have anything important to say..but when i do,if i do .. i won't go quietly.
I know it seems like things are going by so slowly for me right now.Me being the littlest out of everyone that matters.Sometimes i wonder if its a bigger deal then you guys say,but then again you probably wouldnt hang out with me.
I know it only bothers one of you in particular,the only one that i wish it wouldnt.but its only because you are so uptight.But with intoxication,i'd say you might just be one of the nicest people ever.And maybe if i play my cards right,i can win your heart again with converstaion and a few drinks.or maybe this is just from the point of view of soemeon with no self esteem who needs drunk people around for confidence. meh. i'm sorry to admit this but i'm starting to believe its all true.
the only person that makes me feel oposite of all of that,is never around.
and i am the most jealous girl ever.
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[15 Jan 2006|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nerdy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
metric-combat baby |
] |
once again,i'm glad you remember that i'm alive. after not talking to you in maybe about 20 days it feels so nice to know that you remembered i'm alive...or care.
i wanna call you,and make plans,but you know i can't,because the more i do,the less you'll pay attention.the more you don't hear from me,the more i hope you wonder how i've been.
you and you being the most interesting,polite,perfect person.
i haven't wore black nail polish in a long time.but i think im gonna.
___________________________________________________________________________________
different person. different subject
its weird how you can think one thing one moment and then have your opinion changed so quickly just because you eased up.You and your uptight,unpatient self,i'd say to myself"i'm tired of seeing you every fucken weekend,why dont i just stop and make new friends". but then you smile,or put your hand on my shoulder,make some cute little joke and youre back in my head again.I know i don't mean a thing to you,but its not a totally bad thing that i think about you more then i should.I know i'm way too little,but i don't annoy you.I sit around and wait for your good moods.and i just hope i'm around when they happen.I know youre a little slut,and you need to be watched sometimes because of it,i know i'm the most jealous person ever,but i know you will forget about them in the morning.or regret it. i stick around.
i wish there were less insecure girls who take advantage of situations when cute boys are drunk and wanna make out with them so they can have their time with them while they can until they sober up.
______________________________________________________________________________________
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| I am Joe's Broken heart |
[07 Jan 2006|12:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
Do i honestly think wrong?
I don't care what you think of what i have to say,unless it truly made you mad or feel uncomfortable,then thats different.My outlook on life is undescribeable at this point in time.I think this is just an awkward time in someones life(or at least i'd say so)that they are going through.
And now for someone between the age of 13 and 18 to feel anything at all you can call them emo.because its all about labels nowadays.
i'm not complaining,i just need to get this out of my mind before it goes on my arm or out of my eyes or something.
My mom. She hates the way i think. She thinks i know nothing about anything.She thinks i am inexperienced in every aspect of life,i cannot tell her that i am because as awful as she makes me feel,i don't want her to worry about me,or be sad.She doesnt need to be depressed just because she makes other people feel that way.She thinks i only know what she knew when she was my age.But her being raised so 'properly' her at my age wouldnt dare engage in such activities.Times have sorda changed..i guess..depends who you are.She tells me that me and her have nothing in common and i am so different from her,i am impolite,i have no courtesy,i think like i know more then everyone else,I have no interests,[all of this according to her].
I wish someone read this so they could really tell me if i was any of the above.
and the things she says..
I am too loud and outspoken.(which i am opposite)
I am inexpericenced in sex,violence and drugs. (maybe drugs)
I am negative.(sometimes,but usually i am the most optimistic person in a room)
I don't care about my family.(i wouldnt visit them so much if i didnt)
I am selfish.(id give up eveything for my friends)
I have no hobbies.(i take pictures)
noone reads this but this wasnt meant for anyone to. I'm just writing out my problems,and i guess thats fine
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| We are salt |
[04 Jan 2006|09:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
grandaddy-AM180 |
] |
I'd have to say..next to Peter himself,no other writing makes me feel better.
I can read about a 13 yr old boy having his large intestine sucked out from the pool pump out through his rectum and around his body in his own pool.And They told everyone it was the dog.OUr parents do so much to lie and to make people believe that their families arent really that fucked up,huh?
But remember...that boy.That story...its just a story. And yesterday is just yesterday.And December 31st was just December 31st.2005 was just another year,then why am i treating it like gold.I'd like to think it had alot more meaning to it then jsut having the most wonderful people in the world in my presence.sure..i acted excited on new years,noone gets to count down till 12 on a normal day.but as soon as 12 hit,i felt the worst feeling in the world.You know,i havent felt as happy as i did on early early morning december 31st.Four days into something i have no idea what i'm in for,but i don't really like this..at all.
I don't wanna think 2005 was wonderful because of you.And I don't wanna think you are wonderful because of 2005.
I'm talking about a year like it was a fad,that cool thing that everyone is talking about,everyone had something to say about it,i'm talking about a year like it can change someone(it can).I'm speaking as if the message i left on your machine meant anything to you at all,or maybe things only meant something in 2005.
I had a dream last night that Whiting wasn't as great as i thought..and maybe if i lived there,it might make me feel dirty like my own town does..but i couldnt imagine getting such an awful vibe from such a pretty place(surrounded by shit).
There isnt any point to a new years party. If you drink or not. Its not fun,i don't understand. I thought parties would be fun because i had fun watching them in movies.Fuck everything you ever heard about anything. Because it isn't always true.
i miss a year like a person misses a person
i cut my own hair up today,becuase i was mad about it.And now look what happens.
"you can be through with the past but that past isnt always through with you."
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| Don't worry |
[28 Dec 2005|12:14am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
explosions in the sky-your hand in mine |
] |
I got my grounding off within like 3 days,i told you..because i never get grounded.
gosh,i wish i had something interesting to say.
I wanna be friends with everyone.I wanna be on everyones good side,all the time. but you know i can't.That isn't the way things go. Just yourself being there,being all that you are,will even make people not like being around you,thats how it is,thats how its gonna be.
I've been wanting something to read so bad latley.
I would like to drag the new year in with something wonderful to think about,not thinking about this idea of perfect that has come to life,because it just isn't going down like this.I wish it could.
And that one person who doesnt matter(because they dont compare),he doesnt want you around,but doesnt say it to your face,he says it to him.And he(him) told me becuase he is that good of a friend and reminds me that he never bought me icecream.If only ..people... could be as nice as friends could be then i wouldnt be so confused all the time.
my typing is limited today because my computer time is shared. so i'll continue another day
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| For a whole month?! |
[12 Dec 2005|02:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
silence is a bitch! |
] |
fuck! myspace does not work on skool computers. isnt that a bitch. well even though noone will read this,i'd like to clarify that i dont htink i will be using the computer for a whiiiiille until i play my cards right ;)
talk to you all.....as soon as i can.
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| When you have insomnia youre never really awake but youre never really asleep either |
[09 Dec 2005|11:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Where is my mind? |
] |
I've come to realize that the attitudes people give off over the internet are not always the people they are in real life.
this just makes me hope some people never get the interent..we dont need to make situations even more confusing now.
and lets hope those nice people on the internet dont ever leave the computer for in hopes you might be assholes off of it.
I hope some people ger sars.
Throat infections suck
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| iwantsobadlytobelievethatthereistruthandloveisreal |
[26 Nov 2005|11:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
postal service - clark gable |
] |
how come when you are trying to cry,you can never quite cry until someone asks you whats wrong.then you cry fast. just me?
attention.addiction? no. i dont want sympathy or anything like that,nothing. i just always wanna be around certain people,i may not even like you in that way,some people just make me feel more happy then i can explain.and when around,my personal space circle shrinks and everyone is let in. by the end of the night,its expanded.just me and the compostition book.
random thinking.thats what this livejournal is for,i really have nothing else to say.real posts,will be left for xanga.
hugs should really be more important then people like to think.gurls hugs,usually not very good(this is coming from another girls point of view though).people need to work on this shit.There is the not tight at all hug,with the pat. id say thats mine. theres the really close and really long with instead of the pat,you get the rub on the back. and those are the fucken best kind of hugs,everyone should hug like that.
do i ever sound like i'm high or something on here because i just spent a good 10 minuites just writing about hugs. im just too awake.
we need to move really far away where how far apart numbers are don't matter,and that kind of thing is acceptable.the kind of world where we belong.
i like peoples faces.
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| the restraining order doesnt mean we have to bring the law into this.. |
[18 Nov 2005|10:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
oasis-champagne supernova |
] |
I'm going to go on about everything.
It's weird to stand in a room with so many people recongnizable.The band,your best friend,your older brother,your friends ex girlfriend,the person you lost your virginity to,and so and so on,and all those smiles.
-And i can look at every single one and still only be thinking about one person...that wasn't even there,because that isnt everyones thing.
-Is there anyone else who goes out,maybe even just to the fucking grocery store and compares every single persons smile to this one person. and somehow none of them ever win it over..but its not really a competition now is it? if it was then i think someones cheating.
-Summer being over with only makes everything worse because our sources for rides(since we either cant drive or dont have a lisence)have become slimmer.noone ever wants to get off their asses in the winter,noone wants to drive anywhere after dark,but 5 is still so early.and receiving a phonecall everyday at noon made me think something more. i never thought about touching you because i thought that would be impolite,and your skin was like velvet. but whatever happend happened,and now summers over,and blankets are just blankets again,but the blinds on the window will always make me think thats theres just another building outside of it,and ever song we heard,it keeps playing to me the way you cant go on for tw days without water..and everything we said is a tape stuck in its player.
-and as for you.As upset as this makes me,i dont think it meant anything to me at all,i never thought id experience addiction(if thats what you wanna call it),i never thought id keep coming back.From a smokers point of view(not that i am one),you love to smoke,you always want to,but you have your favorite kind,your not quite sure of ever trying anything new,you would if you really liked the other brand too,but you scared of any other kind.
-and when the truth gets out about things,its all blamed on me becuase i was the only one that ever stuck around. and its not like the truth messed anything up for you what so ever,they are all still believing you.the restraining order is still on.
i was just thinking..carried away there!
noone reads it anyways
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| we are never going to turn out the way we thought we would. |
[17 Nov 2005|04:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
deathcab for cutie-technicolor girls |
] |
maybe i really should stop worrying about all of this,after all,i am never supposed to speak to you again.Now i wouldnt be as upset if this was going away as in fading,but you know i can't stand more then anything to have someone mad at me especially you.I never wanted to ruin things for you,and you know they arent,its just funny to make me feel awful. and i feel sick
and as for it,well now hes back to an idea again,before i ever met anything to compare to that idea of perfect.You are him,and thats only an idea. so why ever stop thinking?
i wanted to put my feet on the dash so bad.but we both know its not what we wanted.
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| if you knew me like i knew myself youd hate me like i hate mself |
[30 Oct 2005|12:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bloodhound gang-jackass |
] |
fucks with same shoes,same belts,same hair cut,same hoodies.ridiculous. but i always have a good time when i am around them.
and then there is this one fuck.who isnt really a clone.but damn.Its like that fake personality that you put on and act like you are happy in with your friends just incase he sees you and sees you laughing and smiling with your friends.pathetic is the word.and jelousy has to be the worst feeling in the world next to worrying.i still wonder if you guys drove away in her convertable to go fuck somewhere,id like to think that you didnt because really,i hate picturing you on top of anyone else.
i have ideas.good ones. but really you dont pay enough attention to listen to them,and i dont want to say them in front of anyone else.
why the fuck does everyones(your) hair always fall over their(your)forehead just right.
ah i dont know who the hell reads this thing. but eh im not really writing like anyones gonna read it cuz noone does.
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| want ad |
[24 Oct 2005|03:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 DEAD |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the number twelve looks like you |
] |
Free to a good home.
I...
I really have no future so take me with you to yours.<3
I listen.
tear catcher.
Shy when i first meet you,but then i'll probably turn out to be the most annoying person ever(not n a bad way)
I'll wear your clothes.
I listen to music.bitch
i photograph.
dont know what an age is.i could be 8 for all you know
you...
will take me with you.
are a tear catcher.
will call.
let me wear your clothes.
listen to music with me.
let me put my feet on the dash
wont care how old i am.
are my Rushmore(go rent that movie).
suck.
i dont know youuuuuuuuu. blah
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| Its taking the knife out of the back.but that never even happened. |
[23 Oct 2005|11:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
blink 182-its over |
] |
I never lied.I just prolonged the truth.for in hopes that you didn't think that that was a knife in the back.it was only hesitation for something i can't explain. sorry.
how many weekends are worth waiting? and much sleep is worth losing,because I'm wasting wishes on you instead of it.
maybe idolism is new true love.
Pete.
truefuckinglove
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irisatthedisko's journal
determined
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